e-Anxiety.crap

So, I'm sitting here at my lovely computer one night, contemplating the "ifs" of life. My blow-up doll just punctured for the fifteenth time, I was a bit drunk and a little down and decided that I needed a girlfriend. Because this is the sort of decision one should make while they're drunk. Coherency is key to such life-altering decisions.

In my mind a magical commercial flashes. There's a gray haired old man, and a few different couples, all with wonderful stories to share of love, exhilaration and sexual fulfillment.

It goes something like this: "Hi, I'm Johnny Happy-Go-Lucky, and I met Mrs. Happy-Go-Lucky on E-Happiness. I was lonely, and looking for companionship, but I wasn't sure I'd ever find it. It just seemed like I wasn't compatible with anyone. Then I took E-Happiness's patented Personality Test, a forty-dollar value that they gave me for free and I met the love of my life. It was magical. It was like..."

"...Electricity," the wife interjects lovingly. "When we kissed for the first time, it felt like..."

"...Magic," the husband finishes.

Then this kind old man appears on screen and says, "Hi, I'm Joe Schmoe and I started E-Happiness to match couples based on two hundred and seventy two levels of compatibility. We guarantee that you'll meet the love of your life here at E-Happiness, the love that will last."

So, being the poor, sad sap that I am, I decided to try this website's "Personality Test." I figured, what the hell? So, I went on the site, burned through three hours, twelve cups of coffee, three Twix bars and two packs of cigarettes, and finally I was done. I waited with barely contained glee and anticipation as the computer loaded the next screen and I wondered, "Wow, I wonder what amazing and beautiful woman the site will find for me."

I mean, here it was. This was it. I had been waiting my entire life to find the woman of my dreams. I had sat alone at night and cried myself to sleep because no one understood my little eccentricities like gnawing at my pillowcase or cuddling on the sofa with a life-size Alf doll. All my life I had been told that there was someone out there for everyone, the perfect match that would make my life complete. I wanted that. I needed that. And now, thanks to his "Personality Test" and E-Happiness's guarantee, I was finally going to have it. This was the solution to my problems. It was right there at my chubby little fingertips. Of course this would work. I had no doubt. After all, the commercial said it would, and TV never lies!

Then it happened. The page finally started to take shape. Pictures popped up. Words began to form. Then I read it. And my heart sank.

"Here at E-Happiness we can find matches for just about everyone. Unfortunately, there is a certain segment of the population who just doesn't have a match in our system. We figure it's about ten percent. Unfortunately, you fell into that ten percent category and we couldn't find you a match. We appreciate you taking the time to check out E-Happiness, and we wish you luck in your search for love."

And there it was. In one fell swoop, the last vestige of hope that I had had been drained from me. No Alf snuggling with someone of the fairer sex. No lovemaking beneath tropical skies somewhere in the Bahamas. No watching Golden Girls re-runs while lying in each other's arms. No, I would be doomed to spend the rest of my life alone.

Then I got to thinking about the commercial. I got to thinking about life and love and all that sappy, happy crap that Hollywood tells you is going to happen. And I realized that this big, faceless corporation that ran E-Happiness duped me! That's right, folks. As hard as it is to believe, a corporation actually acted unscrupulously. They promised things that didn't come true. This was an outrage!

So, as I sat down and thought about this situation, I thought that maybe E-Happiness needed to put some truth into their advertising. Of course, they probably wouldn't score nearly as many clients. Still, it would let you know what you were getting into. I mean, could you imagine if they showed things the way they really are?

I think it would go something like this: "Hi, I'm Johnny Happy-Go-Lucky. I met my life, Mrs. Happy-Go-Lucky on E-Happiness. I took their 'I'm desperate for someone so I'm going to spend twenty worthless minutes filling out this stupid questionnaire and lie straight through my teeth but it's okay because the other person is doing the same thing' personality test on the site. Man, was it accurate! Within twenty minutes I was on a date with the most beautiful woman I had ever seen, and when we kissed it was..."

At this point, the wife interjects and says, "...magical," because, you know, in real life couples really do finish each other's sentences. "It was magical," the wife continues, "it felt like..."

"Electricity," the husband finishes, because he's a sexist and mustn't let the wife interfere with his manhood. "It felt like a sudden jolt of electricity. Except not the kind where you die. I mean the metaphorical kind, where I knew I was going to get laid."

Then the old man would show up, "Here at E-Happiness, we have a personality test that matches you with the person who will seem like a perfect match at first, but once you get to know them, you'll realize that they're a selfish, arrogant, nasty little prick with about three STDs and a history of psychological problems."

Then back to the happy couple.

"So, we ended up getting married, and then she told me that she had herpes."

She laughs and says, "I remember when I told him. You should have seen the look on his face. Oh, it was priceless!"

Mr. Happy-Go-Lucky continues, "So, to get back at her for being deceptive, I went and slept with my ex-fiancée and ended up getting her pregnant."

The woman, still smiling, says, "And it turned out I was pregnant too."

"So, I have to make child support payments to my ex, and I've got this old battle-axe here who won't let me leave the house because she's a needy bitch. And, of course, I can't have my friends over anymore because they're a 'bad influence' on me."

"And he's an emotionally abusive, controlling bastard who expects me to cook his every meal and clean up after him, even the streak marks in his freakin' underwear," Mrs. Happy Go Lucky cheerfully adds.

Mr. Happy-Go-Lucky says, "And I have the funny feeling that she's sleeping with my best friend, and is going to divorce me any day."

Then, of course, they say in unison, "Thanks, E-Happiness!"

And then another man pops on-screen, this one ten years younger and thirty pounds thinner than Mr. Happy-Go-Lucky, and says, "I actually met Mrs. Happy-Go-Lucky here on E-Happiness, and now we're having an extra-marital affair together. Thanks, E-Happiness."

Mr. Happy-Go-Lucky shouts, "You son of a bitch!"

Mrs. Happy-Go-Lucky and her new beau ride off into the sunset on his brand new motorcycle while Mr. Happy-Go-Lucky contemplates suicide.

Then the old man shows up again and says, "That's ok. E-Happiness can help you find a new wife."

"Go fuck yourself," says Mr. Happy-Go-Lucky.

The old man flashes his fake smile and says, "So join E-Happiness today, and we guarantee you'll be paying alimony by tomorrow."

What's the lesson here, kids? Don't date. Don't ever date again. Resign yourself to a life of terrible solitude. It'll save you a lot of pain in the long run.