Does Hallmark have a card for that?

Call it The Passion Of The Schmuck.

I like Mel Gibson. I've liked Mel Gibson since I was fifteen years old and saw him in Lethal Weapon 4. He just emanated cool, and I've been [semi] following his career ever since. Hell, I even greatly enjoyed The Passion, and I'm not ashamed to admit it.

That's why it was so utterly disappointing, strange, and, let's admit it, downright goddamn funny over the weekend when Mr. Born-Again himself, Mel Gibson, was busted for drunk driving, and, in-between resisting arrest [a crime for which he has NOT been charged, by the way] and sexually harassing a female officer, he happened to let out some interesting feelings about the Jews. Specifically that they are "responsible for all the wars in the world."

Now, this upset me greatly. Not because I'm half-Jewish, and not because it's a part of my heritage. I'm not upset because he was acting like a complete bigot, and I'm not upset that he would probably rather have Jesus come back and hawk Budweiser than see me, as a semi-Jewish person, prosper in this world. No, what upsets me the most is that he LET OUT OUR GODDAMN SECRET.

It's true. We do run the world. The funny thing is, everyone just thought we ran Hollywood. Yes, that is true too, but there is a much bigger truth. Jews have been behind so many historical events, it's not even funny. Did you know John Wilkes Booth was a Jew? No, that's not really true, but it could have been. Or, how about that second shooter in the grassy knoll? No, he wasn't a Jew, either, but it could have been. Well, despite that, we have unleashed quite a bit of evil on the world, though- just think of Barbara Streisand. And War Of The Worlds? Directed by a Jew.

But we're also part of a great secret society, sort of like Skull and Bones, but not really. We sit around on Saturday nights, eat Matzo Ball soup, listen to some Neil Diamond and discuss how we can control the world next week. You should have seen what we were up to last week:

Irving: So, what is it we're here to talk about?

Me: Oy! My soup is too hot! My mouth is burning like a schlep! Irving, what are you trying to do to me? What, are you some kind of a schlameal?

Irving: Me? No! Just blow on it and let it cool off.

Me: Let it cool off?! Are you nuts? It's only good when it's hot.

Irving: So, what do you want me to do?

Me: What do I want you do to?! Look at this guy. Can you believe this? What does he want me to do?


Ok, so it went on like that for about two hours, then we were all tired so we went home. But don't let that fool you. We were trying to figure out a way to get Adam Sandler his next movie project [not an easy task, by the way], get Star Jones her own television show and, to round it all off, start a few wars. See? We're evil geniuses. Not bad for a night's work.

But I digress. Look, Mel has been all over the press repenting his drunken sins, and I think that's terrific. I also think, though, that he's repenting for the wrong thing. Truly, what he needs to apologize to the world for is Signs, but somehow, I don't think that's going to happen.

So, I've asked myself: how should Mel Gibson make up for his grave comments? He's already been speaking with religious leaders, and says he wants to discern the "appropriate path for healing." Well, you know, when you get arrested for something minor in our society, you often have to do community service. Well, I think to replenish his tarnished image, maybe he should have to do some Hollywood community service of his own. I've come up with a list that I think would suffice. After doing the following things, which are especially brutal, he could say pretty much whatever he wants about the Jews or anyone else, and I think everyone would consider him forgiven:

1. Be the second-billed on a Rob Schneider movie. Sure it would be a blow to your ego and your career would almost be guaranteed to be over, but come on! It would go out with a bang! You could be in Deuce Biggalow 3 as Deuce's ultra-cool new pimp.

2. Become a Neil Diamond impersonator. Good times never seemed so good, did they Mel? Ah, yes, I can see it now: the shiny blue vest, the poofy black hair, the swiveling hips. I would pay a million dollars to try and see Mel belt out a verse from "Sweet Caroline".

3. Become circumcized. Yes, nothing says Jewish like cutting off a piece of your schlong. Come on, Mel, it won't be so bad. In fact, for bonus points, you could always do it the traditional way- we'll have a briss! The tabloids'll eat it up. Think about it- just you and about thirty of your closest friends and relatives as an eighty-year old rabbi with bad eyes tries to take a little piece of your sponge. Besides, I'm sure you wouldn't mind the free wine you drink before-hand.

4. Become Richard Simmons's personal assistant for a week. No, as far as I know Richard Simmons isn't Jewish, but, since Mel's such a glutton for punishment, I'm sure a few rounds with ol' Rich couldn't hurt. Besides, it would be funny for the rest of us. "Are you sweating to the oldies, Mel? Well, you're not sweating ENOUGH!" On second thought, we don't want Mel to commit suicide. Even the strongest among us probably couldn't take a week of Richard's company.

So, there you have it. Four suggestions for Mel Gibson to try and repair his image with the Jewish community. Don't worry, Mel. You'll be making hack sequels like Lethal Weapon 5 and Braveheart 2 before you know it. Just remember to apologize- and not in Aramaic, either.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got bagels and lox waiting for me in the living room. There's a Seinfeld episode on, and I'll be damned if I'm going to miss it.