Mainstream Hollywood sucks...but then again, so does your mom

I fancy myself a writer. No, scratch that. In my own little convoluted view of reality [about as far off from true reality as John Travolta and Tom Cruise, I would imagine] I consider myself of the writer's club. It's a small little club, mostly consisting of me and a few globus monkeys, one of which I named Harold. We met each other through a dating website, and fell in love over our mutual obsession with throwing poo and picking fleas.

But I digress.

It seems that when I was younger, writing was so much easier. Whenever I wanted to write a short story I would dip into my little brain and pull out some half-assed idea, start typing and just let my imagination run away from me, overflowing onto the page and eventually leading me to click 'print' on the next American Masterpiece. Nevermind the fact that I didn't have a grasp on, hadn't even considered, to be truthful, the actual art and concept behind such an endeavor. Plot holes? No problem. Character development? What's that? Story arcs? You're speaking Greek, brother.

Yeah, sadly, I really didn't have much of a grasp on what writing truly was. The funny thing is, I think that then [and now, as I haven't improved much since] I still think I could fit into the writing staff on most sitcoms these days, and certainly could write heads and tails above the crap the Simpsons staff is coming up with now.

That, my friends, is my point. That's the sad state of affairs the entertainment industry [specifically movies] have come to. They expect that you will swallow any piece of shit that comes your way, because you're a consumer. Just like you choke down your three cups of Starbucks a day, just as you read and swallow whatever the morning newspaper tells you, you'll gladly shell out eight bucks to see the latest Lindsay Lohan picture as long as it seems to have some semblance of plot [fuck that, even if it doesn't. Let's be honest here.]

And, folks, we're not protesting at all. That's why 'Kangaroo Jack' made it to number one at the box office. Yeah, remember that movie? It had a cartoon kangaroo and the loveable lunacy of that beloved American icon, Jerry O'Connell.

Why, god, why did we sink so low? Or have we always been this shallow in our film choices? And, I really think, dear reader, that it's not so much our shallowness as it is our complacency. The movie studios are a business, after all, and they are out to make as much money as they can. When we shell out our ten dollars for the latest Steve Martin comedy, they see that, and decide to pump out more of the same, one after the other, like Britney Spears' vagina.

I have been called a 'film snob' on many occasions. I've certainly been called worse, but that's why she and I no longer date, damnit, and WHY WON'T SHE RETURN MY CALLS?!! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO APOLOGIZE?! SHE'S MY SOUL MATE!!! Uh, sory about that. I took some vitamins and calmed down a bit [thank you Tom, for leading the way.]

So, what was I saying? Oh, yes, the aforementioned name. Ok, fair enough, I suppose I am a film snob. The reason I am is because I'm tired of going to mainstream Hollywood fare, one after the other, and being bombarded with the same old, same old, over and over again. Things start to lose their originality, their flair, their cool after you've seen the same plot about three dozen times. Oh, what's that you say? Denzel Washington is playing a cop who has to go under the radar to solve the case, maybe even going outside of the law to exact vigilante justice? Wow, that's original. Huh, would you look at that, they're remaking a Japanese horror flick with Sarah Michelle Gellar. Hmmm. Well, I've certainly never seen that before, this should be good. Oh, what's that? A video game adaptation? What a novel concept. I'm sure it will be filled with witty dialogue, mature and nicely paced plotting and rich characterization. Oh, what's that you say? Paul W.S. Anderson is directing? Well, he directed Alien Vs. Predator, I'm sure it will be a blast.

Look, I'm all for turning off your brain and just enjoying a popcorn flick, but I refuse to shut it off all the way. Is a little cleverness and a bit of deviation from the same old tired story too much to ask? Is making the plot full of interesting and unique twists, keeping me guessing, really so hard to do? And does every single mainstream movie need to be strictly popcorn? Aren't there social issues that should be explored outside the realm of the indie circuit?

Maybe I'm asking too much. I mean, Tom Cruise is certainly a good actor, what with his two facial expressions and all. And I wouldn't begrudge Mandy Moore her charm and good looks. But is it so much to ask that some art, even a little, and some creativity and originality be injected into these exercises in mental masturbation? Is it so much to expect that perhaps there is a meeting of studio executives somewhere that involves more than just circle-jerking?

Maybe I'm asking too much. After all, Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston have a new movie coming out, and this one's a romantic comedy! Bet you didn't see that coming. Well, I heard that they're dating in real life [for now] so I suppose that could add an interesting little twist to this otherwise plain film.

Yes, I'm assuming there. Go see The Breakup and tell me that I'm wrong. Maybe I'm being cynical about this whole thing [Ryan, cynical? Noooo!] but I'm just tired of it. I'm tired of turning on television and seeing the same crap strewn all over the place. I'm tired of having my options for films within fifty miles of my house being the same three plots recycled over and over again. And, most of all, I think it's sad, and I think people are shorting themselves, by buying into whatever big corporations are telling them is cool, and not thinking and deciding for themselves what is interesting and what isn't, and not looking beynond the ordinary to something better. Which is why you should probably look into other blogs besides this one.

I'm not trying to trash the people who watch these films. All I wish is that people would expand their minds and give other films, music and culture a shot before tying themselves down to a product that has been endlessly recycled. And I wish, more than anything, that big Hollywood film companies would look beyond the past into something new.

Now, if you'll excuse me, there's a new comic book adaptation premiering tonight, and I have to make sure I'm first in line, costume in hand and all.