Mainstream Hollywood sucks...but then again, so does your mom

I fancy myself a writer. No, scratch that. In my own little convoluted view of reality [about as far off from true reality as John Travolta and Tom Cruise, I would imagine] I consider myself of the writer's club. It's a small little club, mostly consisting of me and a few globus monkeys, one of which I named Harold. We met each other through a dating website, and fell in love over our mutual obsession with throwing poo and picking fleas.

But I digress.

It seems that when I was younger, writing was so much easier. Whenever I wanted to write a short story I would dip into my little brain and pull out some half-assed idea, start typing and just let my imagination run away from me, overflowing onto the page and eventually leading me to click 'print' on the next American Masterpiece. Nevermind the fact that I didn't have a grasp on, hadn't even considered, to be truthful, the actual art and concept behind such an endeavor. Plot holes? No problem. Character development? What's that? Story arcs? You're speaking Greek, brother.

Yeah, sadly, I really didn't have much of a grasp on what writing truly was. The funny thing is, I think that then [and now, as I haven't improved much since] I still think I could fit into the writing staff on most sitcoms these days, and certainly could write heads and tails above the crap the Simpsons staff is coming up with now.

That, my friends, is my point. That's the sad state of affairs the entertainment industry [specifically movies] have come to. They expect that you will swallow any piece of shit that comes your way, because you're a consumer. Just like you choke down your three cups of Starbucks a day, just as you read and swallow whatever the morning newspaper tells you, you'll gladly shell out eight bucks to see the latest Lindsay Lohan picture as long as it seems to have some semblance of plot [fuck that, even if it doesn't. Let's be honest here.]

And, folks, we're not protesting at all. That's why 'Kangaroo Jack' made it to number one at the box office. Yeah, remember that movie? It had a cartoon kangaroo and the loveable lunacy of that beloved American icon, Jerry O'Connell.

Why, god, why did we sink so low? Or have we always been this shallow in our film choices? And, I really think, dear reader, that it's not so much our shallowness as it is our complacency. The movie studios are a business, after all, and they are out to make as much money as they can. When we shell out our ten dollars for the latest Steve Martin comedy, they see that, and decide to pump out more of the same, one after the other, like Britney Spears' vagina.

I have been called a 'film snob' on many occasions. I've certainly been called worse, but that's why she and I no longer date, damnit, and WHY WON'T SHE RETURN MY CALLS?!! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO APOLOGIZE?! SHE'S MY SOUL MATE!!! Uh, sory about that. I took some vitamins and calmed down a bit [thank you Tom, for leading the way.]

So, what was I saying? Oh, yes, the aforementioned name. Ok, fair enough, I suppose I am a film snob. The reason I am is because I'm tired of going to mainstream Hollywood fare, one after the other, and being bombarded with the same old, same old, over and over again. Things start to lose their originality, their flair, their cool after you've seen the same plot about three dozen times. Oh, what's that you say? Denzel Washington is playing a cop who has to go under the radar to solve the case, maybe even going outside of the law to exact vigilante justice? Wow, that's original. Huh, would you look at that, they're remaking a Japanese horror flick with Sarah Michelle Gellar. Hmmm. Well, I've certainly never seen that before, this should be good. Oh, what's that? A video game adaptation? What a novel concept. I'm sure it will be filled with witty dialogue, mature and nicely paced plotting and rich characterization. Oh, what's that you say? Paul W.S. Anderson is directing? Well, he directed Alien Vs. Predator, I'm sure it will be a blast.

Look, I'm all for turning off your brain and just enjoying a popcorn flick, but I refuse to shut it off all the way. Is a little cleverness and a bit of deviation from the same old tired story too much to ask? Is making the plot full of interesting and unique twists, keeping me guessing, really so hard to do? And does every single mainstream movie need to be strictly popcorn? Aren't there social issues that should be explored outside the realm of the indie circuit?

Maybe I'm asking too much. I mean, Tom Cruise is certainly a good actor, what with his two facial expressions and all. And I wouldn't begrudge Mandy Moore her charm and good looks. But is it so much to ask that some art, even a little, and some creativity and originality be injected into these exercises in mental masturbation? Is it so much to expect that perhaps there is a meeting of studio executives somewhere that involves more than just circle-jerking?

Maybe I'm asking too much. After all, Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston have a new movie coming out, and this one's a romantic comedy! Bet you didn't see that coming. Well, I heard that they're dating in real life [for now] so I suppose that could add an interesting little twist to this otherwise plain film.

Yes, I'm assuming there. Go see The Breakup and tell me that I'm wrong. Maybe I'm being cynical about this whole thing [Ryan, cynical? Noooo!] but I'm just tired of it. I'm tired of turning on television and seeing the same crap strewn all over the place. I'm tired of having my options for films within fifty miles of my house being the same three plots recycled over and over again. And, most of all, I think it's sad, and I think people are shorting themselves, by buying into whatever big corporations are telling them is cool, and not thinking and deciding for themselves what is interesting and what isn't, and not looking beynond the ordinary to something better. Which is why you should probably look into other blogs besides this one.

I'm not trying to trash the people who watch these films. All I wish is that people would expand their minds and give other films, music and culture a shot before tying themselves down to a product that has been endlessly recycled. And I wish, more than anything, that big Hollywood film companies would look beyond the past into something new.

Now, if you'll excuse me, there's a new comic book adaptation premiering tonight, and I have to make sure I'm first in line, costume in hand and all.

Tips for concert ticket purchasing

I was talking to a friend tonight, and inbetween discussions of The X-Files and proper joint rolling techniques, she mentioned that she was buying concert tickets. I proceeded to tell her [for the next three hours] a variety of tips and tricks for buying concert tickets. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm a music nut, so I have bought my fair share of tickets, and have found out the hard way what works and what doesn't. So I decided to streamline my tips and post them here. Most of these things you may already know, but in case you don't, here they are, in all their mediocre glory! Don't say I never did anything for you.

Online and Over The Phone Vs. Buying In Person

I've personally never purchased tickets online, and frankly, I don't really want to try. I have no idea how reliable their server is, or how quickly I can get tickets. When purchasing tickets for a big name band, every minute counts.

Also keep in mind that when you purchase the tickets online, on top of the exuberant Ticketmaster costs, you also have to pay for shipping of the tickets- and that can be expensive. Buying in person prevents them from bending you over for this extra amount of hard earned green, and also puts the tickets right in your hands, instead of waiting and wondering if you will get your tickets ontime, or if the mailman decided that he loves Aerosmith even more than you do and swiped them.

Yes, there are free or low-cost shipping options, but Ticketmaster only guarantees that your tickets will get to you about two days before the event, and I don't know about you, but that's cutting it a bit too close for my taste.

I would recommend, however, that you program Ticketmaster's phone number into your mobile phone, just in case you're in line there are two hundred people in front of you. Then call while in line to see if you get faster service that way.

Goddamn Tickets Are Expensive!

Yes, they are, but bitching about them isn't going to help. The best you can do is make sure you bring about fifteen bucks extra PER TICKET with you to your local Ticketmaster location. Seriously, it can cost around ten bucks per ticket in charges and taxes. Fifteen bucks is probably a safe bet.

Oh, and some Ticketmaster locations ONLY accept cash. Even if they do accept credit cards, there's no guarantee that the machine will be working the day of the sale. So bringing cash is always a better idea than plastic.

Pre-sales

Most bands have fan clubs, and most of those fan clubs offer their members first shot at purchasing tickets, before the general public. It wouldn't be a bad idea to join said fan clubs, however, most of them charge a pretty penny for it.

Too cheap? Yeah, me too. What I do, instead, is join radio street-teams. I'm part of the KROQ Street Team here in So. Cal., and they offer me pre-sale tickets on most shows. Although it won't be as good as joining the fan club of whatever band you prefer [it's N'Sync, admit it], it's better than nothing. Do remember, though, that these pre-sales are almost always online or over the phone only, so you'll need a credit card.

The Earlier The Better

Ok, so you've heard the expression 'the early bird catches the worm'? Well, the same is true for ticket buying. If you don't want to end up buying your tickets on e-bay for triple the price, I suggest getting to your chosen Ticketmaster outlet early. I would be willing to bet that two and a half to three hours should do the trick. No need to get there at the break of dawn, but cutting it too close could be the difference between getting tickets and not. Remember- most concerts sell out in a matter of minutes.

Now, the problem with Ticketmaster is that if a certain amount of people show up [usually around twenty], they will hand out wristbands and hold a random lottery to pick who gets first shot at tickets. That means it doesn't matter what time you get there, now you have just as much chance of getting tickets as the guy who just showed up last minute. It's not fair, but that's how they do it. Unfortunately, there's no way of knowing if there will be a random lottery or not, so getting there early is always your best bet.

Also, Ticketmasters in big metropolitan areas are going to be the most crowded. You didn't think you were the only hardcore My Chemical Romance fan, did you? There are plenty of other people willing to get up at the buttcrack of dawn to get tickets. A good bet would be to check the suburbs for little out of the way ticketmasters. Trying to buy tickets smack dab in the middle of L.A. is going to be almost impossible, but there are little Ticketmaster locations all over that less people will go to. The further away from the big city, the better.

Always remember, however, to call the Ticketmaster location you're going to to make sure they're selling tickets to your specific show. Some Ticketmasters don't sell tickets to certain shows, so make sure the one you're going to does.

So, find and out of the way Ticketmaster AND get there early, and you'll have a good chance of getting tickets.

Take What You Can Get

So, think about this- you've been standing outside in the freezing cold morning air for eight hours. You got here and slept in your sleeping bag, drank luke-warm Starbucks from a cheap plastic mug, and re-read the same Rolling Stone issue three times cover to cover. Now comes the big moment- you're second in line and guaranteed to get tickets. Then you see him- the asshat that everyone hates, the most dreaded of all ticket purchasers: the guy who can't decide what he wants.

He's carefully studying the seating chart the way a scientist would study a rare species of bird- trying to decide if section A2 is any worse or better than section B3. Meanwhile, the ten minute window everyone has to get tickets before they're sold out is quickly ticking by while this jackass murmurs to himself, calls his girlfriend to see what she thinks, and strokes his chin like Sherlock Holmes considering a case.

It ain't rocket science, and looking over a seating chart isn't going to help. Take what you can get. Usually, Ticketmaster's computer system searches the best available tickets, meaning what they're offering you IS the best seat, and looking at the seating chart isn't going to help at all. It's just going to piss people off and get you jumped by thirty rabid, die-hard music fans who now have to e-bay tickets for three hundred bucks and their first-born.

Yes, Ticketmaster's computer system does sometimes screw up and not find you the best available- it happened to me. It happens, and there's always a chance that if you toggled with the employee and had them check again, you may have found something better. But remember that there's always a chance the extra time you take to do that ends with you getting WORSE tickets, not to mention screwing everyone else behind you. So just take what they offer.

Why Can't I See The Band? WTF?!! I'm So Angry I'm Going To Throw My Twenty-Dollar Beer!

Yup, it happens. There are sections at concert venues that are labeled as "obstructed view". It means that you'll be staring at a gigantic speaker stack or a soundboard instead of some half-drunk depressed Goth rocking out onstage. And the employee at your friendly local Ticketmaster is supposed to let you know before you purchase the ticket if this is the case. Sometimes they forget, though. So make sure to ask if it is an obstructed view or not, and if it is, then ask them to check again.

The Show Was Sold out! Now What Will I Do? I Won't Be Able To Live Without Seeing Styx!!

Calm down, bitch! It's cool. There are other ways of getting tickets besides Ticketbastard. Unfortunately, it's going to cost you a few limbs and other appendages [you weren't really attached to your penis that much were you?]

You can always e-bay tickets for triple the price, go to a ticket broker, or a scalper the day of the event.

The problem with e-bay and scalpers is that you have no idea if the tickets you're buying are legit. You don't want to end up at that Skynyrd show at your local fairgrounds with your lighter in tow, ready to scream "Freebird!" at the top of your lungs only to find out that the tickets were bogus, do you?

The best bet, then, is to go through a ticket broker, although, as mentioned, it'll cost you. Unfortunately, there are some unsavory bastards out there who will try to rip you off with fake tickets there, too. What I would recommend is checking out the National Association of Ticket Brokers [natb.org] and checking to make sure your broker company is legit before giving them your credit card information.

Making Sure Those Tickets Don't Melt Like The Wicked Witch Of The West

Keep your tickets out of direct sunlight or any heat source [including gloveboxes, people.] The ink can and will melt, leaving you with a big blob of ink that won't let you into anything.

And while we're on the subject, I would recommend putting your tickets in a sealed plastic baggie, especially on the day of the show. Think about it- when you're eating lunch at McDonald's before the show, do you really want that Supersized cola spilling all over your nice, new jeans and ruining your ticket? Didn't think so.


With these tips in mind, you'll be seeing Toby Keith in no time. Just remember to take your green with you, and don't do any drugs offered to you by strangers.